Langue muette

how long will i last before your pride
decides to break these bars of silence..
Im suffocating my love
immersed by the grace of your fears
and the final danger shant be death
im afraid ending up deathless
caught between sweet bitterness
living in a neighborhood where
void is my only neighbour
and some notes of melodies
to remind me of my constant
nonexistence
and always draw upon my empty face
a smile expensively paid for from mother
Cinema ...

larva

if you were a snail, would you walk on my bare
and imbibe all the heat on the back of my neck ?
and oh, how beautiful i will feel
If you were a snail, would you hide me in the darkness
of your shell and shower me with your holy saliva ?
and all the significant waters of the world will turn tasteless
If you were a snail, would you give the honor to sit
and watch you little piece of meat and coiled shell
taking the whole of my presence ?
would you?, little snail, haunts me body and soul like
a demon?
Im a fallen angel, little snail, begged God to get expelled
so i can rest in your slavery
i love you little snail, you have no eyes
at least not ones that can see...

Miscellaneous

Elderly Klamath woman photographed by Edward S. Curtis in 1924

i am only a widow
whose husband is still
alive
on a bed of gravel, i layed
jilted, dead, white widow
and my spouse is alive
still
and i become the ure of
Reliability theory
whole of me is motionless
but my tears
bitterly fed by your
Senescence
and each time my body
trembles of blackness
and nicotine
hoping to lose remembrance
i remember
that its a grace i was prevented
from
so i think of you
and the thought of you
makes me wet, the smell remains
relic in the locks of my hair
touching my mouth.. my lips.. my nose
half a human
fearless
careless
tempted by nothing, enjoying this nothingness
and that claustrophobia you enticed me to
whole of me
inside of me, inside of that little dark small red place
called heart
pumping stones not blood
and it hurt
the ring in my middle finger

old and yellow, ugly yellowness

and i sank , i sank i sank and you

watching me sinking and sinking

just watching

I wonder, where is your conscience

sleeping

then, i take a look only to find it

deep down in this ocean, next to me

laying scared, weak, quivering from cold.

Famous Blue Raincoat

Its four in the morning, the end of december
Im writing you now just to see if youre better
New york is cold, but I like where Im living
Theres music on clinton street all through the evening.

I hear that youre building your little house deep in the desert
Youre living for nothing now, I hope youre keeping some kind of record.

Yes, and jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
That night that you planned to go clear
Did you ever go clear?

Ah, the last time we saw you you looked so much older
Your famous blue raincoat was torn at the shoulder
Youd been to the station to meet every train
And you came home without lili marlene

And you treated my woman to a flake of your life
And when she came back she was nobodys wife.

Well I see you there with the rose in your teeth
One more thin gypsy thief
Well I see janes awake --

She sends her regards.
And what can I tell you my brother, my killer
What can I possibly say?
I guess that I miss you, I guess I forgive you
Im glad you stood in my way.

If you ever come by here, for jane or for me
Your enemy is sleeping, and his woman is free.

Yes, and thanks, for the trouble you took from her eyes
I thought it was there for good so I never tried.

And jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
That night that you planned to go clear

and hushh...

and all these wrinkles covering your face

around your eyes, under your eyes

in your eyes..

you're hiding behind diaphanous dust

behind lost twenty years, are they eating you up inside?

piece by piece...?

did your rouge fade to blue or to white ? or now its just grey?

so i am what you made me now, you, how can i destroy you ?

and hell is just the echo

of god’ s angry words

What a surprise

The You I despised was nothing but another me inside

and i feel older than you do

crying out for her, what you call the cure

to purify my troubled soul

to feel youth encore, encore.

and thank you for having her on my side.

my miserable twenty years has just began

and oh, how lovely.. i started the first year

while she's laughing with two tears ..

The Day Ella Wore a Dress

My dear, dear, dear Ella ... The day you decided to wear the dress, I took it off, I had to,
for my knowledge that it was just a dream, and Moses is less then a millisecond in your long dream, in my long dream ...
and he said "miracles can only happen when believing in leading and right decisions", and in fact, it was the only option i had, so i re-turned back to fangfoss trying not be afraid from the light in the dark. My dear Ella, you and your beautiful peach yellow dress, you borrowed from Tori, delightedly given with melodies.
A woman's life, Ella's life, your life in one day, your whole life in just one day, a fate you become its master, a silence you decide to break and keep it later on..
My beautiful Ella, on which bed you will lay on ? Which mirror will reflect you before you look at ? Will you lose your head if it happened you were wrong ? Are u making a proffessional salad ?
Oh Ella, who are you ? where do you come from ?
Should I love the me in you ? should i see it ? should every page of your hours release this pressure of me ? and the icicle melts away ?
My lovely Ella, you wore a dress on a very usual day, it was monday, only monday... a magical dress you thought it would change your life, move you back to the city and its fancy lights where your happiness lies, your happiness lies...
Dear oh Dear, what happened to that dress you never wore again ? is it still covered with dirt and thrown on the ground ? are you clean now ? clean of every steam ?
What happens when I reach the last page ? Is it a happy ending ? Am i satisfied for Ella's begining? for seeing the drastic reality of me ?
she's not preaching though, nor am i, but i miss her cup of coffee, the sun on her face, the backyard, humming birds... but nothing burns the same ...
But when ill find Ella, when ill find Life, ill let you know
for now im just licking ideas,words, lyrics and glass
I did my best, it wasnt much
i couldnt feel, so i tried to touch
ive told you the truth, i didnt come to fool you
...

My White

I like my clothes today,
Im wearing my skin,
the one that belongs to me
only my skin
and it makes me feel beautiful
again.
Oh my love !
What can i say ??
What possibly can i say more ?
I shall write on the blank again
even if "happiness isnt enjoyable"
but i am blank
i am white
i am wearing my skin
my white beautiful skin
again.
This time the blank is not
a synonym for emptiness
Oh my love, my muse
My misdemeanor !
Im happy with my emptiness
im happy, see
"Misery motivates, not Utopia"
:)

My Hours

time forgot to heal her wounds,
even time forgets,
but not her.
I blame him not
he has so much to erase

time forgot about her,
she was stuck in a time she doesnt belong to
stuck between choices and hours.
between a dead life and life through death
I hail you Mrs Woolf, you got my eyes, my thoughts
and my feelings they didnt understood, Both.

Its no longer a feeling, its a prison
im reeking inside
secretly
alone
in the dark.

Oh dear! i forgot that love, loving you
with no bounds is a sin,
and im paying off now the price of my
Deaf
Blind
Mute being.

Forgive me Virginia for my urge desire
to kiss your lips and look to your eyes
but im bleeding for a reflection
im bleeding for a reflection

Every image is licking my infection
adding heat and salt, lot of them
extending unexpectedly to my veins
the smell lingers in my nose straight to my
lungs
filling them,
filling them,
with the smell of death
while life is still young

Forgive me Virginia, i've seen every me in you
i've tasted every needle and screamed with you
inhaled every sigh and walked every step,
Forgive me Virginia,
I had it all
But your courage
I had it all,
But your courage.

"goodbye little girl"

like 'Bess

all i can answer,
all i know,
is that my tongue is in love
with every single tear in
your eyes
your breath touching my skin
is more than enough reason
to stay alive
every move she made
every word she uttered
stabbed every memory
of you
in me
2 :30 am
a message i left you
a scene i could see :
your phone
vibrating in your red room
breaking the silence
of your world
that you decided i leave.
a bathroom
bare feet
and a mirror
and tears stinging my cheeks
like now as im writing you this
that was the world yesterday
for me
i cant wake up
the price is too high
and i cant afford diying
eventhough,
utterly aware,
someday
you'll be the death of me
death of me.
and nothing else left
but a song
that rip out my quiet boiling tears
and hold my eyes
never off of you
never off of you
as im willing to
breaking the waves
as reality
and not as a story
i choose to believe
too
like 'Bess

Dreaming awake

I drew your eyes
In the stars
Colored your face
With my tears
And sang your name
In my dreams

You are my lost land
My forbidden apple
I panted you
Dreams on the sand
And now I shall always
Live with fear
That the ocean
Smashes my dreams
In an moment when
I wouldn’t be near

Hand in cap

reticently,
pile of anguish
inhaling ur words
word by word
letter by letter
dancing on my nerves
declaring wars on my body
poor icicle me
deicers couldnt melt
motivated by an insolent boldness

living daily with their words
word by word
letter by letter
baptised with pity
bearing each day looks and eyes
glowing with scornful compassion
scratching the glass
breaking the i
the eye
.

wave goodbye to a lost ego
finger by finger
look by look
follow the rituals and obey the deity
floating through flying landscapes
second by second
one by one
alone.

because
adoring you
for me
was a religion

"im well aware of how it aches, and you still won't let me in"

..."i even kissed the lock of your door"...

DALIA

...and sadness fell in love with me, death took me by his warm arms, and melodies offered me its melancholy smiles, my misery cause is someone i dont know.
its not my fault if sky is unreachable , its not my problem if the sun is a liar.
but it became.
please, i beg you, stop these voices and question marks in my mind...
or finish what you started, finish me.
why did you turn me into a woman
to later on,
throw me alone
leave me oustide
like a child.
i said all the love words which i know and which i dont.
i wrote you all the grief poems painted on my heart
at nights, with lot of tears, lot of wandering, lot of smoke and wine.
you will never read them or hear them, you're too far, and im too close, you're too cold, and im too warm, you're too blue, and im too rouge.
brunette with charming beauty, a dancer with breathtaking eyes,
a student of theater stirred the man in you,
and a woman who broke your heart.
closing his doors in front of me.
...
and i still pray hoping St Joseph would hear my prayers.

One and a Half

would you be brave
and tell me that the
perfume on ur jacket
is not from ur friend's wife?

would you be brave
and tell me that this
is the scent of betrayal
i smell all over ur eyes?

would you be honorable
enough and not touching
me in the same way you
put your hands on her ?

what will ache you more
the hard slap on your face
or the resisting tears in my
eyes struggling not to fall ?

was it ur sexual weakness
that beated the power of ur love
or it was hard to live like one
so you became half a man ?

half feelings, half heart,
have me and have her
half me and half her
have to know that

No one is a half
u have it only in graves.

"beautiful fantasies"

...before in the old days when people had secrets they didnt want to share,

they'd climb a mountain and find a tree,

carve a hole in the tree and whisper the secret into the tree,

and cover the hole with mud,that way, no one would ever discover the secret.

but why secrets are for if they are not to be revealed?

i had no big secret,just expectations..

"fantasies" or "beautiful image" or love.

Candy Addict

My wine is black
like blood
Drink with me
And rise my toast
Fill my cup with needles
for like water it tastes
i would be drowning in the poisons of life
thats why im happy
Drink me, eat me, inject me
let me run in your veins,
and kiss ur fear away,
sense the sweet face of addiction
Sing me an eternal chant
crossing all boundaries
needs no conscientiousness
desire is no sin
and love is candy,
artificially sweet
The sky is blue
And my soul is mainden
My eyes gazing earnestly on your cross
I'll wait for you till i collapse
and my bones turns to ashes
I will love you where there will be no Gods,
no religions , no people
only snails.
Dont say anything
just lay me down
lay down on me
take me by ur magic
i always saw in ur eyes
enter me and enter all your burning flames into me
let me sweat till i get closer to you, to heavens..
to your angels and ur divine kingdom...
Let me sweat till every drop sway slow
stinging my skin so softly
mix my intense passion with yours
turn your body into mine
and make love to me all night
though and eventually,
love is just a candy
artificially sweet
...

transparent secrets

she died today
for a couple of hours
she gave birth to her tears
hot salted tears.
she dived her hair unto hot water
the hot drops of water emerged with her tears
so the pain would be easier to bear.
she thought of you today
it hurts
as always
she ate a piece of tomato
weird, it felt like a tomato
...
she lost her temper, screamed silently
she yelled, shouted and spoke to you
without uttering a single word.
the hollers in her mind violently consulved her
and she's not anymore.
she invented a virtual reality
to escape a bitter real dream
she felt like an empty swing rocked back and forth in the wind.
she failed being a human being
as a seed of choler is growing smoothly inside her spirit
the bursts of her forlornnesses were about to detonate
but something changed
suddenly
she remembered her weakness towards his eyes
a sea breeze invaded her frozen heart
and she fell again.
the electric current in her dead body moved again
to remind her that she's
Alive.
i saw her today
she was staring at me in the mirror
i was stunned to see how much she looks like me
i never knew that me was like her
like this.
now what ?

in my place

we had some fine red wine, cigarets and "Evil Eye"...

... all what's left

... almost forgot that they were sweet

Historia De Un Amor

Ya no estas mas a mi lado corazon
En el alma solo tengo soledad
Y si ya no puedo verte
Porque Dios me hizo quererte
Para hacerme sufrir mas
Siempre fuiste la razon de mi existir
Adorarte para mi fue religion
Y en tus besos yo encontraba
El calor que me brindaba
El amor y la pasion
Es la historia de un amor como no hay otro igual
Que me hizo comprender todo el bien, todo el mal
Que le dio luz a mi vida
Apagandola despues
Ay que vida tan obscurasin tu amor no vivire...

My so cold life

my pen is dry
my ink is solid
words are escaping me
blocked sensations
tormented by the lack of a sweet taste
an underabundance of simple inspiration that can be converted to letters in my hand.
The presence of some other light tastes mask sweetness
pigments, fluorescence, phosphorescence, luminescence,
gentle anesthesia moving swiftly before my eyes
my eyes, my eyes, my eyes shut.
Beyond ordinary forgetfulness,im unable to recall my memories
damaged by time and covered by its dust
encountered in opposite latitudes at one and the same instant of time
Nesh in body and mind.
And honestly im exhausted.
But on the surface, pretending to shudder with warmth
trying my best to give a better appearance ,through artificial means
Acting ! Acting ! Acting ! all the time.
manipulating fraudulently my feelings and gestures
to be avoiding questions and keeping away from those who claim to care
or just because i dont have answers
never did, to anything.
Painful truth or normal fact ?
lost in every me in me
mislayed my body somewhere
discarding senses of flesh
eliminating any and every chain with the world
disjointing the knots of my soul
and going under
falling in an endless large deep hole and keep falling.
completely devoid of content.
The climax of the heat of water felt coldon my body...
Finding its way far down into my bared skin..
till the bottom of my profound enigmatical existence
so I layed low and wept.
My tears are crystallized
my eyes are are tow pearls of lusters
and i am cold
and i know you're not here.
not here.

Beauty

"psychoanalytical fact. frendian. he would have been glad to have known u if he was still alive. u would make an interesting case study. (joking)."

LUNATICALLY POETIC

i listenned and kept in.

i don't like the taste. It's not 4 the taste we drink them (Blueberry Nights)
....
cause i don't like to get to a point where i loose my power and dignity
....
-how do tears leave ur eyes
-salted tears or sweet ones ?
-gently, softly but very painfully, very gently, calmly, peacefully.
.......
as a matter of fact i always struggle betweem mind and emotions. sometimes the one dominates, sometimes the other.
...
u tell me. Is not the cure in the disease?
...
films are a part of our life and culture and they are a complex constructions that need to be understood through ideas, concepts, philosophies.
...
i want from the beautiful, nice, loving, intelligent, sensual witch to hug me and make me feel that i am on top of the world and that nothing else matters..
......
i've been feeling kind of empty lately..
...
i guess i am looking for an intoxication of a different kind
..
u know. the other kind. tell me how come u haven't checked on me in the past three or four days?
..
sure do. like the attention. i am a libra and we do like to be liked.
..
or, and that's only to make u laugh, u need sex very badly
...
i like to play. are u going to deprive me from that momentary pleasure. otherwise it will turn into desire that will never be fulfilled
..
pray for the little people like us. Universal things are hard to achieve..
..
not looking. i hate to look. i like the natural encounter.
..
not really i don't like office hours. it's imprisoning. i like to be a free bird..
..
so do u know a way to break through the deadlock. for i am looking for one.
..
so u r cranky.didn't have ur beauty sleep.
..
so do u know a way to break through the deadlock. for i am looking for one.

he replied

no. i am hurt. hurt. hurt. and haven't yet cured my wounds

for a later parade

well i want you in my bed making love all night with music spread on my body , u bein gentle . i want you to feel every single breath i take while u touch me lightly with intensive moves and fire feeling....
mmmm..thats what i said .. by mistake ..
or not.
my mind doesnt let me rest
since then
im a dreamer, but im not the only one
maybe im living in the fantasy of you,fantasy of love
after all, love and fantasy are two persepective
for the same image.
i couldnt do more, i dont know doing less.
if illusions and realities lies in the same path
so why cant i fall for this lie,I never imagined that a lie can make me so much
mmm... how do they call it ..
ohh yes,, happy
thats the word.. happiness...or guilty
guilty
i cant look at what i feel..i feel guilty ..i feel rejected
weird. rejection suppose to be the mother of forget
or maybe hate..
but its duplicating my love...
wanting more
hoping for more..
fake more
a fake mood
a fake love
but life is fake,love too
what am i missing then?


"beautiful image"

............................................

preacher

"dream is the phantasmatic realisation of some censored unconscious desire "

says

- u know that there is a lot of truth in lying?
-how is that ?
-when u lie to someone, u pass through many true things about how u feel.
-yes, continue...
-cause what u say is no longer determined by social codes, modalities, regulations, etc... u liberate unself from the repression, from what u r not supposed to say.
-did u ever say what ur not suppose to ?
-yes. it depends.
-when ?
-many times. u mean when u were around?

as sweet as lemon

and thats why i fell for you.

behind scenes

see its all about me

all about the things i use to see

now, its about a stranger

or a coming fall

changing life, changing dreams.

Everything is possible for you and me,

fall dies, spring is born

But it will never be the same again

for you and i

And dont try to tell me its not broken

feel the resentment in your eyes

lost in the lack of forgiving

my inability to let go and forget

A root of distrust and suspicion is growing
inside of me

finding it difficult to accept a loss,
a loss of pride
a loss of dignity
a loss of you

Seething, aching emotional turmoil,The harboring of animosity..
A grudge held against betrayal.
violating my trust..
breaking the rule
deception.. dismissal
traumatized

frightened of directing the emotion of resentment at ... myself

so i give myself reasons that have little to do with my conscious thoughts

and it was night

It was night, around 10 pm, she was sitting on her couch.dark room. no candles left. But
there was a little light coming from an old box.
on her table,the licker bottle is almost empty, gone... a cup of glass was empty too..
Some piano playing and guitar were holding the atmosphere..
She was falling asleep or trying to fall or maybe just laying down quiet.
from a right corner, i can see the back of the couch and she's trying to get up..
some of her hair is on her face.. she sit
its all dark..
she fills her cup again , i can hear every drop of the alcahol
drop by drop...
till the bottle was over.

scenes from past past

Era

Rose of Friendship

Our Fairouz

Eva

wa Maria

...Away...

give me your hand
Im looking for some help
I cant see the way
Its all black...
give me what i've never had
give me what i always wanted
and couldnt get...
give me peace.
Time is no longer in my hands
give me a white flower
or a small white heart
give me anything you never give it up
give me a key...
a sparkle
or a pen... a shell you found on the shore...
save me
dance with me
or just sit and stare at me
I've always loved you
and hated you
In hate with you
And i love you ..
I have written your name and erased it
hundreds of times
in the air
hate...
love...
I feel, I dont...
I dont know...
But Im always sure
Its me.

Eva or Maria

... somehow... its me

Maya Ammar

Mi...cha...

Thinking Loudly

Weird. How you can tell something in front of everyone , but u cant say it to one person. (mine)

Dont play Bowling with nuns! (Eva's thought)

Ass kissing on a hill is a skill (Eva's)

You're putting me on Hold,
But Im holding you with my soul. (Allie's)

What you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful. (Maya's)

Blue

most of the time

What i've been always afraid of

What the hell are you staring at ?

Corners around

let me share with you a story...
We were four girls sitting in maya's room..her little world
Maya . Eva-Maria . Micha and i,
we were talking about different subjects,
run from one to another .. skip some ideas... shed lights on others
very intellectuals.. as maya described us while watching the scene...
without any previous intention to gather..
here we were ..
working, studying,reflecting, speculating,or asking and answering questions about a wide variety of different ideas..
though we are different... each one of us is far from the character of the other...
differences...
different..
yet... we sit and talked...
and we were very happy
very intellectuals..just like maya described us.

A sweet Day

extremly happy she was,
with a long white dress,
with flowers all over
she wore it all night and danced
she knew when the night will be over
and the sun will shine
she danced that night,
all night,
with her white dress
she danced with angels around
so beautiful,
so white,
so everything was set and ready,
a fairy tail princess that day.
that day she would be his forever
hours and hours,
she couldnt wait
time seemed forgetting to move
lost its track
or she was just won the race
i could see her heart, beating so fast,i could listen to her heart rhythm
she couldnt breathe
her eyes were shinning,reflecting a brilliant light,
charming ...
her eyes could made magic
everything around her turned to something beautiful
lot of people lot of noise,lot of laughs,
so suddenly,
she stopped moving,
gazed at everything and everyone, at each one ,
each thing, each color, each decoration
she shut her eyes,
bowed her head down,
felt utopia
a strong tender breeze sneaked into her body from toes to eyes
and opened them
like magnetism,
fantastic feeling lift her up to the heavens, the skys and the clouds
and brought her back down
gently...
she went and waited for him ,
so she waited
and waited
and waited
and waited...
but he just wasnt there.
the end
.