transparent secrets

she died today
for a couple of hours
she gave birth to her tears
hot salted tears.
she dived her hair unto hot water
the hot drops of water emerged with her tears
so the pain would be easier to bear.
she thought of you today
it hurts
as always
she ate a piece of tomato
weird, it felt like a tomato
...
she lost her temper, screamed silently
she yelled, shouted and spoke to you
without uttering a single word.
the hollers in her mind violently consulved her
and she's not anymore.
she invented a virtual reality
to escape a bitter real dream
she felt like an empty swing rocked back and forth in the wind.
she failed being a human being
as a seed of choler is growing smoothly inside her spirit
the bursts of her forlornnesses were about to detonate
but something changed
suddenly
she remembered her weakness towards his eyes
a sea breeze invaded her frozen heart
and she fell again.
the electric current in her dead body moved again
to remind her that she's
Alive.
i saw her today
she was staring at me in the mirror
i was stunned to see how much she looks like me
i never knew that me was like her
like this.
now what ?

in my place

we had some fine red wine, cigarets and "Evil Eye"...

... all what's left

... almost forgot that they were sweet

Historia De Un Amor

Ya no estas mas a mi lado corazon
En el alma solo tengo soledad
Y si ya no puedo verte
Porque Dios me hizo quererte
Para hacerme sufrir mas
Siempre fuiste la razon de mi existir
Adorarte para mi fue religion
Y en tus besos yo encontraba
El calor que me brindaba
El amor y la pasion
Es la historia de un amor como no hay otro igual
Que me hizo comprender todo el bien, todo el mal
Que le dio luz a mi vida
Apagandola despues
Ay que vida tan obscurasin tu amor no vivire...

My so cold life

my pen is dry
my ink is solid
words are escaping me
blocked sensations
tormented by the lack of a sweet taste
an underabundance of simple inspiration that can be converted to letters in my hand.
The presence of some other light tastes mask sweetness
pigments, fluorescence, phosphorescence, luminescence,
gentle anesthesia moving swiftly before my eyes
my eyes, my eyes, my eyes shut.
Beyond ordinary forgetfulness,im unable to recall my memories
damaged by time and covered by its dust
encountered in opposite latitudes at one and the same instant of time
Nesh in body and mind.
And honestly im exhausted.
But on the surface, pretending to shudder with warmth
trying my best to give a better appearance ,through artificial means
Acting ! Acting ! Acting ! all the time.
manipulating fraudulently my feelings and gestures
to be avoiding questions and keeping away from those who claim to care
or just because i dont have answers
never did, to anything.
Painful truth or normal fact ?
lost in every me in me
mislayed my body somewhere
discarding senses of flesh
eliminating any and every chain with the world
disjointing the knots of my soul
and going under
falling in an endless large deep hole and keep falling.
completely devoid of content.
The climax of the heat of water felt coldon my body...
Finding its way far down into my bared skin..
till the bottom of my profound enigmatical existence
so I layed low and wept.
My tears are crystallized
my eyes are are tow pearls of lusters
and i am cold
and i know you're not here.
not here.

Beauty

"psychoanalytical fact. frendian. he would have been glad to have known u if he was still alive. u would make an interesting case study. (joking)."

LUNATICALLY POETIC

i listenned and kept in.

i don't like the taste. It's not 4 the taste we drink them (Blueberry Nights)
....
cause i don't like to get to a point where i loose my power and dignity
....
-how do tears leave ur eyes
-salted tears or sweet ones ?
-gently, softly but very painfully, very gently, calmly, peacefully.
.......
as a matter of fact i always struggle betweem mind and emotions. sometimes the one dominates, sometimes the other.
...
u tell me. Is not the cure in the disease?
...
films are a part of our life and culture and they are a complex constructions that need to be understood through ideas, concepts, philosophies.
...
i want from the beautiful, nice, loving, intelligent, sensual witch to hug me and make me feel that i am on top of the world and that nothing else matters..
......
i've been feeling kind of empty lately..
...
i guess i am looking for an intoxication of a different kind
..
u know. the other kind. tell me how come u haven't checked on me in the past three or four days?
..
sure do. like the attention. i am a libra and we do like to be liked.
..
or, and that's only to make u laugh, u need sex very badly
...
i like to play. are u going to deprive me from that momentary pleasure. otherwise it will turn into desire that will never be fulfilled
..
pray for the little people like us. Universal things are hard to achieve..
..
not looking. i hate to look. i like the natural encounter.
..
not really i don't like office hours. it's imprisoning. i like to be a free bird..
..
so do u know a way to break through the deadlock. for i am looking for one.
..
so u r cranky.didn't have ur beauty sleep.
..
so do u know a way to break through the deadlock. for i am looking for one.

he replied

no. i am hurt. hurt. hurt. and haven't yet cured my wounds

for a later parade

well i want you in my bed making love all night with music spread on my body , u bein gentle . i want you to feel every single breath i take while u touch me lightly with intensive moves and fire feeling....
mmmm..thats what i said .. by mistake ..
or not.
my mind doesnt let me rest
since then
im a dreamer, but im not the only one
maybe im living in the fantasy of you,fantasy of love
after all, love and fantasy are two persepective
for the same image.
i couldnt do more, i dont know doing less.
if illusions and realities lies in the same path
so why cant i fall for this lie,I never imagined that a lie can make me so much
mmm... how do they call it ..
ohh yes,, happy
thats the word.. happiness...or guilty
guilty
i cant look at what i feel..i feel guilty ..i feel rejected
weird. rejection suppose to be the mother of forget
or maybe hate..
but its duplicating my love...
wanting more
hoping for more..
fake more
a fake mood
a fake love
but life is fake,love too
what am i missing then?


"beautiful image"

............................................

preacher

"dream is the phantasmatic realisation of some censored unconscious desire "

says

- u know that there is a lot of truth in lying?
-how is that ?
-when u lie to someone, u pass through many true things about how u feel.
-yes, continue...
-cause what u say is no longer determined by social codes, modalities, regulations, etc... u liberate unself from the repression, from what u r not supposed to say.
-did u ever say what ur not suppose to ?
-yes. it depends.
-when ?
-many times. u mean when u were around?

as sweet as lemon

and thats why i fell for you.

behind scenes

see its all about me

all about the things i use to see

now, its about a stranger

or a coming fall

changing life, changing dreams.

Everything is possible for you and me,

fall dies, spring is born

But it will never be the same again

for you and i

And dont try to tell me its not broken

feel the resentment in your eyes

lost in the lack of forgiving

my inability to let go and forget

A root of distrust and suspicion is growing
inside of me

finding it difficult to accept a loss,
a loss of pride
a loss of dignity
a loss of you

Seething, aching emotional turmoil,The harboring of animosity..
A grudge held against betrayal.
violating my trust..
breaking the rule
deception.. dismissal
traumatized

frightened of directing the emotion of resentment at ... myself

so i give myself reasons that have little to do with my conscious thoughts

and it was night

It was night, around 10 pm, she was sitting on her couch.dark room. no candles left. But
there was a little light coming from an old box.
on her table,the licker bottle is almost empty, gone... a cup of glass was empty too..
Some piano playing and guitar were holding the atmosphere..
She was falling asleep or trying to fall or maybe just laying down quiet.
from a right corner, i can see the back of the couch and she's trying to get up..
some of her hair is on her face.. she sit
its all dark..
she fills her cup again , i can hear every drop of the alcahol
drop by drop...
till the bottle was over.

scenes from past past

Era

Rose of Friendship

Our Fairouz

Eva

wa Maria

...Away...

give me your hand
Im looking for some help
I cant see the way
Its all black...
give me what i've never had
give me what i always wanted
and couldnt get...
give me peace.
Time is no longer in my hands
give me a white flower
or a small white heart
give me anything you never give it up
give me a key...
a sparkle
or a pen... a shell you found on the shore...
save me
dance with me
or just sit and stare at me
I've always loved you
and hated you
In hate with you
And i love you ..
I have written your name and erased it
hundreds of times
in the air
hate...
love...
I feel, I dont...
I dont know...
But Im always sure
Its me.

Eva or Maria

... somehow... its me

Maya Ammar

Mi...cha...

Thinking Loudly

Weird. How you can tell something in front of everyone , but u cant say it to one person. (mine)

Dont play Bowling with nuns! (Eva's thought)

Ass kissing on a hill is a skill (Eva's)

You're putting me on Hold,
But Im holding you with my soul. (Allie's)

What you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful. (Maya's)

Blue

most of the time

What i've been always afraid of

What the hell are you staring at ?

Corners around

let me share with you a story...
We were four girls sitting in maya's room..her little world
Maya . Eva-Maria . Micha and i,
we were talking about different subjects,
run from one to another .. skip some ideas... shed lights on others
very intellectuals.. as maya described us while watching the scene...
without any previous intention to gather..
here we were ..
working, studying,reflecting, speculating,or asking and answering questions about a wide variety of different ideas..
though we are different... each one of us is far from the character of the other...
differences...
different..
yet... we sit and talked...
and we were very happy
very intellectuals..just like maya described us.

A sweet Day

extremly happy she was,
with a long white dress,
with flowers all over
she wore it all night and danced
she knew when the night will be over
and the sun will shine
she danced that night,
all night,
with her white dress
she danced with angels around
so beautiful,
so white,
so everything was set and ready,
a fairy tail princess that day.
that day she would be his forever
hours and hours,
she couldnt wait
time seemed forgetting to move
lost its track
or she was just won the race
i could see her heart, beating so fast,i could listen to her heart rhythm
she couldnt breathe
her eyes were shinning,reflecting a brilliant light,
charming ...
her eyes could made magic
everything around her turned to something beautiful
lot of people lot of noise,lot of laughs,
so suddenly,
she stopped moving,
gazed at everything and everyone, at each one ,
each thing, each color, each decoration
she shut her eyes,
bowed her head down,
felt utopia
a strong tender breeze sneaked into her body from toes to eyes
and opened them
like magnetism,
fantastic feeling lift her up to the heavens, the skys and the clouds
and brought her back down
gently...
she went and waited for him ,
so she waited
and waited
and waited
and waited...
but he just wasnt there.
the end
.